I will Never have a Myspace Page.

I do not like it with a mouse.

I do not like it here or there.

I do not like it anywhere.

I do not like myspace.

I do not like it, Sam-I-am.

There are many reasons why I don't, can't, won't have a Myspace page. Shall I list them?

First and foremost. I refuse to be that guy. No matter what anybody says, there are only two or three categories of people for whom it is acceptable to have a presence on myspace. First category is underage kids or "tweens" as the marketing folks call them. (Lets face it, the fact that I even know the word "tween" immediately disqualifies me from using Myspace, along with the fact that I just used the word "whom" correctly). Second category is musicians, bands, record labels etc. Third category is young adult singles who are likely trolling.

I do not fit in any of those categories.

Therefore, if I were to have a Myspace page, I would feel like some creepy old guy. The guy that never left home after he graduated from high school, is working at the local electronics store, and still taking high school girls to the prom five years after he graduated. I am definitely not that guy.

Third, Myspace is fugly. Every page is covered up in pictures and turquoise and pink geometric designs that make it impossible to navigate, read text or find any useful information. Also, the pages look like they haven't changed since 1995 and strangely resemble the site of the dude claiming to be the "real" Borat (http://www.ikissyou.org/ ). I don't want to be associated with such an ugly piece of crap page. (not that this page is great, but you get the point.) Myspace is the web equivalent of a 1973 AMC Gremlin.

Fourth, the favorite song auto-load function is a real ball-breaker. If I wanted to be force fed someone else's musical tastes, I'd turn on MTV (well, no I wouldn't they don't play music anymore but you get the point). Myspace pages are like those webpages that people had 10 years ago that had the unstoppable MIDI files that load and play immediately. If you visit myspace at work, some asinine song starts blaring out of your computer speakers. It is the wepage equivalent of getting that email that tells you to turn up your speakers and click on a file only to have it shout "I'M LOOKING AT GAY PORN!" In other words, NOT COOL.

FINALLY, when all my young neices, nephews and cousins (or worse, my friends' kids) add me as a Myspace friend and make me add them as a Myspace friend, I, as a 30 year old male, I have about a 1,000 percent chance of being investigated by "To Catch a Predator," which most would agree is the one exception to the rule that "all press is good press"

So there... I'll update this blog. If somebody wants to read it fine. If you aren't smart enough to type in this address instead of myspace.com/reallyfuckingoldguy, then I don't need you to read this page anyway.